Songs from the Key of Life

Until today, my friends and I have had Key West to ourselves. It can be muggy this time of year, so weekenders from Miami stay home, and very few tourists are willing to take a long-range gamble on renting a house during hurricane season.

This dearth of people has allowed us to ride our bikes in the streets without fear of being hit by a drunk on a scooter. We do not have to rush to the Tropic Cinema an hour early just to get one of our favorite seats, and there are no lines out the door for exotic flavored ice cream at Flamingo Crossing. Best of all, the ubiquitous Conch Train is running on an abbreviated schedule.

Like most tropical towns, when tourists are few, Key West clothing and souvenir stores take midday breaks.  Some are closed altogether. Bars have more than a few open stools, and live-mic music is subdued.  Restaurants offer half-price specials on dinners with no reservations required.  It is a good time to get to know the town better.

One of my favorite haunts is the Flaming Buoy, a restaurant known for an incredible collection of Star Wars memorabilia as well as a Lobster Mac & Cheese that oozes with flavor and is not to be outdone save for a chocolate-infused Cincinnati-style chili that is the kind of dish you dream about when you go back home. They also serve a lovely black grouper, so I tend to eat there a lot.  

On a recent visit to The Buoy, one of the owners sat down at our table for a proper catch-up.  When the conversation turned to one of his favorite Canadian TV shows, Letterkenny, he summoned the wait staff over and they performed the ‘skids’ dance for my friends and me.  The entire restaurant screamed and clapped with delight.  

While I have no point of reference for the show or the dance, this spontaneous act of joy-sharing underlines why I hold such deep affection for Key West.  People here will let you get to know them in profound ways.   

This tranquility and availability are the proverbial calm before the storm.  On Friday, Key West will transform itself into an otherworldly experience when it commences the 40th anniversary of Fantasy Fest, an annual ‘party in paradise’ strictly for adults.  As best described by the celebration’s website, it is “the wildest extravaganza around…filled with fun-loving revelers who bring their creativity and imagination for 10 days filled with costuming, parades, libations and excitement.”

Over the coming days, more than 20,000 people will arrive by plane or car.  At this very moment, some are packing their bags with elaborate masks and costumes, but a large majority bring little other than a plan to be in full body paint or less.  From what I have been told, some of the body art is incredibly designed and bold, but a considerable number of the people that go for it are blissfully unaware that they shouldn’t have -- if you know what I mean.  

Besides the free-spirited theme parties found on the “Little Black Book” section of the Fantasy Fest website, there are plenty of opportunities for a prude like me to join in the celebration. My idea of fun will begin with the historic Bahama Village’s Goombay Festival known for its island-style food and entertainment, though I will avoid the Goombay Smashes like the plague. I also have an invitation to a viewing party for the Zombie Bike Ride which is just as it sounds – thousands of people dressed as zombies, riding the streets of Key West on bikes adorned with neon lights and zombie-appropriate decorations.  

Next week, my friends and I have plans to attend the ‘Blast from the Past Beach Bash’ where a local favorite band, Patrick and the Swayzees, will be taking us back to the hippy-dippy days of the tie-dye 60’s. Just after that, we will make our way to a less-than-wild Animal Party to benefit the Florida Keys SPCA, and then get all ‘tulled up’ for Tutu Tuesday when everyone in town wears a tutu all day. Personally, I cannot wait because I get to wear the turquoise tutu of my dreams.

I am also very excited to attend – but not enter -- a competitive Headdress Ball, the premier LGBTQ+ event of Fantasy Fest, and a posh Elton John-themed party before the Masquerade March through Old Town. Both require costuming, so between the Dollar Store and Amazon Prime, my friend and I have managed to fashion some impressive but amateur headwear and garb. While this will be my first Headdress Ball, my friend says serious competitors spend months and mucho money on their designs just for the sake of bragging rights and a cash prize that might cover the cost of their investment.  

Fantasy Fest also has its own royal court, and Key West does this right. All contenders for the ‘throne’ must earn the right to claim it through fundraising and creative campaigning, and the two that raise the most monies for local charities are named King and Queen while runners-up serve as duke and duchess.    

It would not be a fair assessment of Fantasy Fest if I did not include a few of the more popular parties and events.  You cannot make this stuff up, and I do not want to go deep into the details, so let your imagination take you where it will.

Disclaimer: if your dignity and morals are easily offended, you might want to skip ahead to the last few paragraphs.   

The mild-by-comparison Kinky Carnival requires – you guessed it -- a kinky costume for admission. The ‘Tops or Bottoms’ party is all about your underwear and not the lack thereof, but there are plenty of those around. The famous Men of Labare (think ‘Magic Mike’) will perform at the Tighty-Whitey Party, and Capt. Tony’s sponsors a Party in Plaid which is not as tame as it might sound in that it caters to all exotic lifestyles and fantasies as long as they are plaid-clad.

Still with me?

There is a Sexy Bull Riding contest and an ABC Party where “anything but clothes” is encouraged. If that doesn’t work for you, there is a Dungeon of Dark Secrets and a Naughty Bike Ride.  You can also try out the blacklight-enhanced Glitter and Glow party or become a star at the inaugural Air Sex Competition.  

Trust me, the list goes on and on. There are other parties and contests that I have no clue what they mean or what happens when the doors close.  But someone does. They are always the first to sell out.  

Even though my just-as-prudish friends and I will not be participating in these edgier events, we will be voyeurs on Duval Street. Hoping to avoid the appearance of total gawkers (even though we most certainly are,) our costumes will be benign butterfly masks and flowing wings. I also have some large sunglasses that will hopefully hide my bashful country-girl eyes.   

To those who have the good fortune to get to know it, Key West is a polyhedron. It has many different sides, and Fantasy Fest is just one.  While I do not indulge in its party life or swim through the deep ends of the ‘anything goes’ pool, I greatly appreciate that this tiny town embraces all without scorn or judgment, hate or bigotry, and flings itself wide open to those who may not find love and peace in their own places and homes.   

To me, it is more than ironic that the town best known for its bars has more churches per capita than any place in the United States. Its citizens are some of the happiest, friendliest, most accepting and generous people you could ever hope to meet or know.  There is a definite message there.

A few years ago, the Town of Key West adopted an official philosophy that pretty much sums it all up:

ALL PEOPLE ARE CREATED EQUAL MEMBERS OF ONE HUMAN FAMILY

In a world that seems to be ever-increasing in fear and ignorance, anger and hostility, blame and resentment, but especially violence and pain, I am proud to be a member of Key West’s One Human Family, if only for a short while. 

This is the point where I should have been able to wrap this essay up with a couple of pithy sentences. However, while meandering through a description of half-deserted streets and the event of the year, my words took on a life of their own and turned into a political point, something I desperately strive to never make out of respect for people that I love though they do not share my opinions.

It seems the two can no longer go hand in hand, and a great chasm has split families and friendships in half.  As I reflect upon this, what keeps banging around in my head are lyrics from a U2 song, Love is Bigger Than Anything in Its Way. They go, ‘write a world where we can belong to each other and sing it like no other.’

If I could write a world like that, it would be Key West, though I would not sing it because I cannot carry a tune in a lard bucket. Key West is not perfect, but that is precisely what makes it a place where we can belong to each other without fear of hate or judgment, just like we don’t all have to go naked or be in full body paint to fully appreciate and enjoy Fantasy Fest.

Serendipitously, the theme for this year’s event is, “In Tune but Off Key,” so while this essay ended far off-key from where it began, I hope that someone finds it to be right in tune, unlike my singing.    

That’s all, folks.